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“When I wish I’d never been born…” – Feb 6

February 6, 2015

“Why did I not die at birth, come out from the womb and expire? Why did the knees receive me? Or why the breasts, that I should nurse? For then I would have lain down and been quiet; I would have slept; then I would have been at rest,…” Job 3:11-13

English: It was a 'dark and stormy night' ... ...

A sleepless mind fills with thoughts from visions of the night. The assault of daily troubles awaits the cover of darkness when conscious defenses teeter upon dreams. Thoughts are brought in stealth. Ears receive the whisper of a powerlessness to remedy what tomorrow holds. Trouble weighs the sleepless mind to suffocating depth in the same feathery pillow meant to comfort.

…man is born to trouble as the sparks fly upward.  (Job 5:7)

Trapped by troubles, exhaustion breeds dread into a desperate groan for release. Thoughts are conjured in this state of malaise that no stalwart practitioner of manliness will ever confess.

“If only I had never been born…”
“If only I would never awake…”
“If only my heart would fail…”
“If only a vein in my head might burst…”
“If only for a quick act of random violence…”

“If only…then I would be free from all that troubles my soul.”
“If only…then I would have rest.”

fall treeI have never had the troubles of Job. I have never endured the trials that he bore. Yet, I heard the same whispers as he under the cover of darkness within the privacy of my own skull. Maybe, Job and I are alone in our confused search for rest but I doubt that.  I have never admitted to these thoughts because I did not want my loved ones to think that I was suicidal and in need of counseling.

I am not suicidal and neither was Job.

The desire of Job’s lament was not for death. I believe that his thoughts meandered to the loss of existence as the release from the burden of his trial. It is a path that my own mind has meandered.  Thoughts of death are a confused route to achieve an intrinsic desire that few ever identify accurately.

Our souls long for rest.

Rest is what every soul desires when the yoke of a fallen world weighs heavily upon us.  Consider what we truly want when we bear the laden burden of troubles:

When we are in pain … we want rest from hurt.
When loves are gone…we want rest from heart break.
When abandoned …we want rest from loneliness.
When confronted with failure … we want rest from expectations.
When penniless…we want rest from need.
When addicted…we want rest from desire.

In times of great trials, our flesh cries out for this intrinsic desire – rest. We all come to the same desire as Job, whether it is due to great trials or insignificant annoyances. We all want rest. We want enduring, everlasting, rest.

This type of rest comes only to those who are in Christ. Death is only a source of rest to those who will enter into the loving arms of their heavenly Father when their time in this fallen world is over.

Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, for I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.  (Matthew 11:28-29)

All of creation groans for the rest that Christ promises to those who come to him. As Children of God, we can know this rest in part, as we continue to walk in the Spirit along our individual paths of sanctification Christ has pioneered for us. We will not experience this perfect rest until we come to our eternal home.

It is in those dark nights, when my soul is laboring and heavily laden that the Spirit himself bears witness with my spirit. The Spirit bears witness with my spirit that I am a child of God and if a child then an heir – an heir of God and fellow heir with Christ. (Romans 8:16-17) The Spirit reminds me that I am His despite my confused thoughts for rest. I don’t want this life to end for a mere escape from trouble; a jump into the abyss.

I just want to go home.

For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.  (Philippians 1:21)

My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better.  (Philippians 1:23b)

Like Paul, I just want to be with Christ, which will be far better than anything this world has to offer. My hope is what comes through in those dark nights of indecipherable groaning. It is the inward groaning of a Child of God eagerly awaiting his adoption as son and the redemption of his body. (Romans 8:23)

For in this hope we were saved.  (Romans 8:24)

I believe that it is in those nights when my mind swirls with dark  “If only…” thoughts that the Spirit, who is always with me, steps in and helps me in my weakness.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groaning too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.  (Romans 8:26-27)

It is the Spirit who takes up my improper, inarticulate, longings to pray and intercedes on my behalf. Most of the time, I don’t know what I really need but on some occasions I am sure the Spirit’s intercession has included, “your beloved needs rest.” I imagine that in some cases  my Father’s response to the Spirit was:

Refresh his hope.

Remind him that all things work together for good, for those who are called according to My purpose.

Remind him that no one can separate him from the love of God in Christ Jesus.

Open his mind to the reality that if God is for him, who can be against him.

Show him that he is a conqueror through Christ who loves him.

Ask him, who can bring a charge against him, God’s elect.

These thoughts and so many more have come to my mind in response to groaning, “if only…” thoughts. We truly have a great and awesome Helper, who knows what we need and when we need it. He has always been faithful to me and I know that He always will be, even when I get confused and don’t know what I really want – to rest in Christ Jesus.

PRAYER: Father, thank you for sending your Spirit.  Thank you for giving me a hope beyond this world and all its troubles.  Help me to keep my eyes on the Spirit and to walk faithful with you.  Spirit, thank you for interceding for me.  Thank you for giving meaning to my confused groanings.  Thank you for sustaining my soul.  I pray this in the precious name of your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen

15 comments

  1. Our hope in weariness beautifully stated!


  2. Wow…Thank you sir….
    you’ve well written an article, i was thinking of writing.
    I woke up last week on my birthday with those thoughts. ..thought of wishing I’ve never been born but knowing fair well that they were just “fleeing thoughts”…that I’m not being suicidal, but a desire to be release from my present trials….need to reblog this… Thanks.


  3. Reblogged this on Searching For Truth.


    • Gary – thank you for the kind words and the reblog. Both are appreciated. God Bless!
      JD


      • You’re most welcome, JD! “Great work commands commendation and circulation!”~ © gfp ’42™


      • You are very welcome, JD! “Good work commands commendation and broad recognition!”~ © gfp ’42™ Blessings in Jesus!


  4. Yours is terrific writing, JD! Your word pictures are powerful & heart-touching.

    “The assault of daily troubles awaits the cover of darkness when conscious defenses teeter upon dreams.” is inspired writing.

    Thank you for blessing me! In Him!!


  5. Reblogged this on The love of God and commented:
    Oh, how I cried! How I cried to the Lord for the things I thought I needed help with! But He showed me a far better way.

    This page was so ‘me’, altogether. I’ve cried these things out, too. I want to go home, too. This life has nothing to offer me. It’s all such a frustration. And after that: I thank my God and Father for His release from suffering, and His help in struggle. For His safety valve: the Holy Spirit. For His life-giving word, the Bible. For truth in my inward parts. For a heart of flesh rather than one of stone. For His loving forgiveness. I LOVE You, Lord! Please, Father, pass on to all others what You gave me. Amen.


    • Thank you for the reblog. God Bless!
      JD


  6. Love the way you interspersed scripture with your own heart-groanings. You have put into words what some of us have felt but never articulated. Also appreciated the responses you gathered from Romans 8, when the Spirit tells the Father that his child needs rest. Helped me to see all those glorious promises in new light. Thank you, JD!


    • Nancy – I know that we both have a deep appreciation for Romans 8. I seem to find myself returning to it often. I guess that proves the benefit of memorization. Thanks as always for the encouragement. You truly are a blessing to me.
      JD


  7. Beautiful.


    • Thanks Anna


  8. Please tell me that you have a book out there somewhere because this took my breath away.


    • Thank you for the kind words. No book; I am just fortunate to get a blog occasionally written. God Bless!
      JD



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